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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.