Late-Night Comics Lampoon Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Immigration Scheme

Television's leading comedians devoted the broadcast ridiculing former President Donald Trump's newly launched visa initiative, labeled the "gold card," describing it as a blatant pay-for-access scheme for the affluent.

Stephen Colbert's Sarcastic Spin

Kicking off his show, Stephen Colbert offered a sardonic Christmas tune targeting the commander-in-chief. "He's making a list, checking it twice, then handing that list to the agents at ICE," he crooned. "Donald Trump ... destroys everything he touches."

The subject was the controversial plan which enables international citizens to acquire U.S. residence for an investment of $1 million dollars, with a "platinum" option for $5 million. A government website pledges processing "faster than ever."

"A brief message for you to rich foreigners: before you fork over the cash, have you considered Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He explained that the card is also meant to "get cash" from businesses looking to hire skilled workers, involving significant payments. "That's a lot of fees, though if you sign up, you additionally get two free nights at a hotel of your choice – as long as it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he added.

"The best screening the government has before done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these individuals absolutely qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Roast

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"This is a card that will allow wealthy international individuals to live here," he explained. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your choosing."

"Maybe it's time to revise that message on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your huddled masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel lampooned the lack of detail of the application, saying it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"Exactly, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "That's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Affordability Issues

On another network, Seth Meyers turned to Trump's slipping approval ratings during economic anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a another term since they were upset about the economy," he said.

This week, in a bid to address affordability, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a selection of food items, where he behaved peculiarly to boxes of cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers reacted. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by targeting conservative news coverage of Trump's economic performance. "Perhaps rather than voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy like what FIFA did," he joked.